my struggle with love
By Freddy King
September 26, 2020
Passages of the day: Click HERE to read today’s passages.
Since I was a kid, I can remember my desire to find love. I lost both of my parents at a young age and at home, I did not find the love and affection a child needs. I was abandoned by those who said they loved me. Hate and depression started to overwhelm me. I was tossed around in foster care and in group homes. Families would decide that they didn’t want me anymore due to behavior issues, and everyone seemed to give up on me.
I got a break when I was 11 years old. There was a family who was known for taking kids like me and helping them change their lives around. I was finally in a place to be adopted even though I was past the age of adoption. The first few years were great. I started a new school, had new friends and I even had a girlfriend who was a cheerleader. For the first time, I felt like I was loved, but deep inside I felt like I didn’t belong. The yearning of being with my own family was making me feel empty. I started to ask questions about my real family. My social worker helped me find some answers. My mom left a will explaining everything. I found out my dad wasn’t my real dad and that I was lied to about my family’s nationality. I remember laying in bed that night crying and in that moment, I gave up on life. I started to drink, do drugs and acted wildly. The family that said they loved me told me they couldn’t handle me any more and I had to move out. Every time I was placed into a new group home, I would run away time and time again. At 18, I aged out of the foster care system and found myself living on the streets. I met a girl and I moved in with her. After a few years we started to fall apart and broke up. I moved into a homeless shelter wondering if I would ever find love and be loved. This destructive relationship cycle repeated itself time and time again. Then I got saved and moved out of the shelter into a new place, got a job and all seemed to be great. Yet, I lived in lust for many years trying to build a relationship outside of God’s will. I wasn't ready to repent and I struggled to grasp God's love for me. Instead, I would give my heart to women that God called me not to be in love with.
For many years, I believed the lies that God could not love me because I committed so many sins against him. I believed the lies that God rejected me like everyone else did. Satan would tell me over and over again that I wasn’t loved, I was nothing, and that no one would ever love me and that God could not forgive me. The passage in Psalms 69 shows David crying out to God, asking for rescue out of the mire. "But I pray to you, Lord, in the time of your favor; in your great love, O God, answer me with your sure salvation. Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters. Do not let the floodwaters engulf me or the depths swallow me up or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, Lord, out of the goodness of your love; in your great mercy turn to me. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble. Come near and rescue me; deliver me because of my foes.”
I started meeting with a couple godly men at New North and I was encouraged to seek counseling. What I learned is that God, who is rich in mercies, is just waiting for us to repent. God's love holds no records of wrongs. He loves me so much that He gave up his own life so that I can find mine. God’s love accepts me for who I am and it is His will to change me for He is the potter and I am the clay. Our passage in Ephesians 4:17-32 gives us clear instruction on how we should live as Christians and describes what it looks like when we don't, "They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed." Specifically, verse 22-24 shows us that it is an ongoing process to put off the old ways of living and put on new habits that are honoring to God, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”
Don’t believe the lies: you're not loved, you’re not wanted, no one cares, you are too ugly, you're not smart enough, God hates you, you are nothing and you will never be good enough. Believe the truth: you are loved beyond measure, nothing can separate you from His love, Your name is written in the palm of His Hand, God doesn’t want you in the wrong relationships for He is jealous over you. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Christ stands at the door and is knocking. Will you let Him in? Will you give up your lust and grab hold of true love and forsake the lies of the enemy? God’s hands are open and He is ready to welcome you home.
Behold I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.
— Isaiah 49:16
Prayer to start with: God, please rescue us from wrong thoughts, lust and depression. Guard our hearts Lord. We trust your plan for our lives. Amen.